My Not-So-Anonymous Response

I’m not a fan of lists but I decided to compose this one for that small group of people group of small people, rather, who seem to be in need of a bit of reassurance.

P.S. THIS POST “AIN’T” ANONYMOUS. If anything about it offends (or resembles) you, then you are cordially invited to kiss my ass. Too strong? Ok, and I would never invite a coward under my clothes anyway -so, let me change that… you are cordially invited to cowgirl up and contact me for a personal one on one, adult size conversation.

NUMBER 1–I am not a security officer—I’ve paid my dues cupcake, I carry gun(s), not flashlights. 

NUMBER 2–I do not sit with my feet propped up on desks—I’m too professional (and too cute) for that. Were my feet on the desk when I interviewed you during that investigation you were involved in sugar-doodle? 

NUMBER 3–There are very specific, potentially life-saving, rules and laws about what one should do while driving. For example, one should never send and/or receive text messages while operating a motor vehicle. If I am asked to drive so that messages, emails and/or phone calls can be made and/or returned, in a timely manner, I have absolutely no problem doing so. Did I mention that I am a trained defensive driver, and I can navigate through traffic in a crisis situation with ease and reliability, sweetie pie?

NUMBER 4–I am a true “mother hen”, and sometimes that means sitting outside the henhouse, looking in.— Butter cup, there’s a lot to be said about tip lines, surveillance cameras and social media when it comes to detection, prevention and protection. 

NUMBER 5–Officers who rotate between schools are typically from one of three pools, sweet cheeks… (1) not enough officers to have one at each school, (2) so good that he or she is capable of covering and acting as a rover/back up officer for the other officers or (3) the officer has been removed from a campus because of inappropriate or questionable behavior and placed in a “rotator” position.

NUMBER 6–My pockets, in no way, resemble my qualifications which are clearly verified by my years in service, my boots on the ground experience and my resume’, booboo kitty.

NUMBER 7–Unlike several of you who have an issue (with everything), I am a tax paying citizen of this community— I’ve lived here well over 20 years sweet pea. 

NUMBER 8–My unmarked vehicle and my plainclothes status are by design. I can assure you that people are more willing to talk to me when I’m driving a Honda and wearing a business suit than they are when I’m in full police garb and a patrol car. Check the stats muffin!

Bottom line—  I smile and speak when I see you because it’s obvious that it sucks to be you but please don’t let the smooth taste fool you. I promise I can be 10 times nastier than you and your entire little group of conspirators combined! 

 

 

 

I Love Girls!

A friend recently posted this list on his fb page. As the mother of three beautiful girls I thought it would be fitting to create a list of “Rules For My Daughter”.

Rules For My Son: 

  1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.
  2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.
  3. If you hunt and kill you clean and grill.
  4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.
  5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially in the end zone.
  6. Request the late check-out.
  7. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
  8. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.
  9. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.
  10. Don’t fill up on bread.
  11. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look him in the eye.
  12. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.
  13. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.
  14. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.
  15. You marry the girl, you marry her whole family; but don’t forget your mom.
  16. Write down your dreams and keep them under your hat.
  17. Experience the serenity of traveling alone.
  18. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room.
  19. Never turn down a breath mint.
  20. In a game of HORSE, sometimes a simple free throw will get ’em.
  21. A sport coat is worth 1000 words.
  22. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.
  23. Thank a veteran, and then make it up to him.
  24. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.
  25. Eat lunch with the new kid.
  26. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.
  27. Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win.
  28. Remove your hat when you enter a room or sit down to eat.
  29. Give credit. Take the blame.

Rules For My Daughter:

  1. When seated, if a man approaches, extend your hand. If he shakes and doesn’t kiss it, forgive him, if he kisses it Germ X asap.
  2. If you’re gonna lay out at the pool, be sure that your bathing suit is so tastefully sexy that all others around you can’t help but look and smile with awe and wonderment.
  3. I will hunt and kill, Tom, Sally or Bill if they ever think or feel that it’s ok to hurt you- (no one will ever find the body).
  4. In a negotiation, remember your skills: outwit, outsmart and, if all else fails, outgun.
  5. Act like you’ve been there before— OWN IT!
  6. Get up and out- the early bird catches the worm and gets the continental breakfast, too.
  7. Keep secrets like they are yours (and remember sharing information is what conspiracies are made of…shhhhhh…)
  8. Be your own hero.
  9. If you borrow a car to transport a body, wipe it down before you return it.
  10. If you eat a lot of bread, expect a lot of dimples.
  11. When shaking hands, grip firmly, make eye contact, then go for the Germ X asap.
  12. Straighten your back when sitting and standing – hump backs are intended for whales.
  13. If you like sand between your toes…you must have gotten that from your daddy.
  14. To hell with a handkerchief, carry Kleenex. A used handkerchief in any pocket (or purse) is disgusting.
  15. You ARE the girl, we ARE your whole family and I Am your mom… need I say more?
  16. Live your dreams (remember I’m living vicariously through you so let’s GET-IT-IN!!)
  17. When traveling alone, be aware of your surroundings- those blonde headed girls walking down 125th, alone, at night, with their bags on their shoulders are hookers child. They are ON THE stroll, not OUT FOR A stroll!
  18. Never forget that YOU ARE the best-looking girl in the room.
  19. Always carry breath mints and be ready to throw one at anyone who needs it.
  20. In a game of HORSE, watch from the comfort of your air-conditioned home and offer them lemonade when the game is over. By the way: do you even know what a game of HORSE is?
  21. A guy wearing a sport coat isn’t always a bad thing unless it’s plaid and it has matching pants (looking like OshKosh B’gosh).
  22. Your life is your eulogy. Make it your best written work.
  23. Your grandfather was a veteran. (Thank him in your prayers tonight).
  24. Everything about you is unique. Don’t be afraid to show ‘em whatcha got girl!
  25. Pay it forward at Starbucks. (I know you’re a “frequent buyer” in that joint).
  26. After writing an angry email, read it carefully, and after forwarding it to me delete it. I’ll read it then I’ll take care of the s.o.b. it was intended for.
  27. Ask your grandmother to play… be brave my child… be really, really brave.
  28. You’re a young lady, wearing a fashionable hat indoors and or at the table is acceptable (especially on a bad hair day!).
  29. Give credit where credit is due and take responsibility for yourself and your actions but don’t let any jerk off get away with blaming his or her dumb shit on you.