Re-Blogging for feedback…

This is an excerpt from a short story I wrote a while back. I posted it in April 2015 and I decided to repost it today to see what type of feedback it receives.   
Not to worry, the brains behind Runaway Nuns and Leprechauns are NOT nestled inside the heads of crazy people, but we truly believe that a vivid (sometimes graphic) imagination is a terrible thing to allow to go un-exhibited


So back to the hallway… having done this many times before Kai and I had developed a method of what we referred to as “self-preservation” mode. It’s a simple technique in which we tried not to get ourselves whacked by the crazies. The first thing I noticed in the hallway was a large metal object covered in red paint; at least that’s what it looked like at first glance. As we stepped closer for a better look, we realized, almost simultaneously, that we were looking at a knight in not so shining armor! It appeared to be an original uniform from back in the knight in shining armor day. We were so busy examining our find that neither of us noticed the guillotine in the far corner, that is, until we noticed the rancid smell. There is no disguising the smell of dead flesh, especially flesh that has been left dead, un-refrigerated and un-embalmed for way too long. When the odor hit us, the hair stood up on the back of my neck, and as we would discuss the incident later, Kai would report a similar sensation. I was immediately drawn to the corner, and as my eyes adjusted to the lighting in the dark, dank room, I was horrified to see a pair of blank eyes staring up at me from a bucket at the foot of the guillotine.

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8 thoughts on “Re-Blogging for feedback…

  1. The beauty of a story such as this is it opens up one’s imagination to get answers to the so many unanswered ones.
    From the point of view of literary criticism might I suggest that a story such as this which is hitting the reader in the eyes so rapidly needs to contain only those bits which achieve that. For example, in this bit: “”As we stepped closer for a better look, we realized, “” you could leave out “for a better look” as it would be understood the act of stepping closer would result in a ‘better look’….if that makes sense…..I also think you need not repeat words such as “noticed” in one sentence. Those are two things that struck me about this exerpt.
    Of course the story behind the ‘blank eyes’ would be fascinating to read. So I hope my feedback is ok, writing is such fun and I agree ones imagination no matter how ‘crazy’ it might appear does need to be shared near and far.
    Have a great day.

    Liked by 1 person

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